Poly Resources

Here’s my personal annotated resource list of works on the topic of non-monogamy. One star (*) means I’ve flipped through it; two stars (**) means I’ve read it cover to cover. For the rest, I’m going off the book jacket. Hey, I’m a grad student – I have reading assignments coming out my eyeballs. I’ll read all this extra-curricular stuff eventually, but in the meantime I figured you might still want to know they exist. Of course your mileage may vary. Enjoy!

Perspectives on Non-Monogamy

The Ethical Slut** by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt – Generally considered the primary textbook any poly beginner should read. And re-read. It has a somewhat a talk-down-to-you feel and is centred on a particular form of non-monogamy that’s a lot about sex, but is nonetheless a wonderfully eye-opening read for those new to the concept.

Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits* by Dr. Deborah M. Anapol – While written from a marriage-oriented and slightly older-generation mindset, this book is a classic and has good insights about jealousy, what it means and how to manage it.

Redefining Our Relationships: Guidelines for Responsible Open Relationships** by Wendy-O Matik – The writing’s uneven and the structure is a bit wonky, but Wendy’s passionate take on radical love is inspiring, and she has some helpful insights that may speak particularly strongly to younger people.

Pagan Polyamory* by Raven Kaldera – A wonderfully articulate trans/intersex queer poly pagan BDSMer, Raven provides a practical, spiritually-informed guide to navigating the challenges of poly relationships.

Plural Loves: Designs for Bi and Poly Living* edited by Serena Anderlini-D’Onofrio – A little heavy on the theory, this is great if you’re an intellectual sort and want to find more academic understandings of polyamory as a cultural phenomenon. NOTE: While I haven’t read through the whole thing and can’t confirm this myself, it’s been brought to my attention that Anderlini-D’Onofrio puts forth some pretty dangerous ideas as an HIV/AIDS denialist (not sure if she does so in this book specifically). This stance is seen as highly problematic by many in the poly community who fear the consequences for those who stop having safer sex as a result of AIDS denialism. (HIV risk is of course not the only reason to have safer sex in the first place, but it sure is an important one.) When I’ve had a chance to read it myself I’ll edit this note, but in the meantime, figured it was worth mentioning! I’m not removing the book from this list cuz I know not all the contributors are AIDS denialists (hey, I dated one of them) and I suspect there’s still a lot of useful thinky material in the book. But forewarned is forearmed, ya? So just make sure you strap on your critical thinking hat extra tight when you read this one.

Hot Monogamy: Essential Steps to More Passionate, Intimate Lovemaking* by Patricia Love and Jo Robinson – If you decide that this poly thing isn’t for you, this is a good place to start doing conscious monogamy well. Note that the book does presume that monogamy is inherently “better.”

The Lifestyle: A Look at the Erotic Rites of Swingers** by Terry Gould – Swinger propaganda extraordinaire, and as such not so politically appealing for the likes of me, but nonetheless very educational about swinger culture.

Opening Up: Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships** by Tristan Taormino – Very thorough, very well-researched and practical, and full of quotes from real-life people living in poly relationships. However, it’s got a strong and unacknowledged bias toward couple-centred poly that may or may not resonate with you. Read my review here.

The Polyamory Handbook: A User’s Guide by Peter J. Benson – This guy is thorough. The table of contents is four pages long, and the book itself over 350! The book is written from a heterosexual perspective and largely appears to rely on a primary/secondary concept of poly relationships, which may not be your thing. But it’s got a lot to say about good communication and the particular challenges of poly, which could be helpful.

The Lesbian Polyamory Reader: Open Relationships, Non-Monogamy and Casual Sex** edited by Marcia Munson and Judith P. Stelboum – A bit uneven and random as far as collections go, this anthology nonetheless contains a few real gems and lots of insights specific to dyke (and other sorts of queer) relationships that you won’t find elsewhere. The pieces on confronting one’s biphobia and dealing with how scary lots of love can be are especially good.

Lesbian Polyfidelity: a pleasure guide for all women whose hearts are open to multiple sexualoves – or, how to keep nonmonogamy safe, sane, honest, and laughing, you rogue! by Celeste West – Upbeat, quirky, explicitly feminist, and sprawling in scope, this one’s a mishmash of advice-columns, conceptual musings, practical advice and personal insights. A bit essentialist but full of yummy ideas nonetheless.

The Threesome Handbook: A Practical Guide to Sleeping with Three** by Vicki Vantoch – If you’re straight and relatively homophobic but too hip to admit it, or if you’re the self-hating sort of bisexual, this might resonate with you. Reads like a really long magazine article with plenty of sidebars and quick tips. Meh.

The Myth of Monogamy: Fidelity and Infidelity in Animals and People by David P. Barash and Judith Eve Lipton – If you think animal behaviour has anything to do with human behaviour, or conceive of your love affairs as “mating strategies,” this one’s for you.

Lust in Translation: Infidelity from Tokyo to Tennessee by Pamela Druckerman – An American journalist tours the world to learn how people cheat, and how they think about cheating, in various societies. Heteronormative, chatty, and not particularly aware of polyamory, but it looks like a fun read nonetheless.

Perspectives on Family

One Big Happy Family: 18 Writers Talk About Polyamory, Open Adoption, Mixed Marriage, Househusbandry, Single Motherhood, and Other Realities of Truly Modern Love** edited by Rebecca Walker – This one’s not about polyamory per se, but poly is included among many types of plural and otherwise non-traditional family formations. It’s a fun collection that’s definitely thought-provoking in its focus on family.

And Baby Makes More: Known Donors, Queer Parents, and Our Unexpected Families** edited by Susan Goldberg and Chloë Brushwood-Rose – Again, not a poly book per se, but a wonderful collection of essays about the many forms queer families take when people decide to have a baby; and necessarily, that includes forging connections well outside the dominant models of family and love. (Note: I’m biased cuz I co-authored one of the essays in it!)

Websites

What Psychology Professionals Should Know About Polyamory: download the PDF here

Polyamory – What, Why, How? (This one’s particularly well written with lots of very insightful observations): http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html

10 Rules for Happy Non-Monogamy (okay, so I’m biased on this one):
http://sexgeek.wordpress.com/2007/06/10/10-realistic-rules-for-good-non-monogamous-relationships/

Practical tips: practicalpolyamory.blogspot.com

Incisive intellectual / academic essays by Pepper Mint, SF poly activist:
http://freaksexual.wordpress.com/

Poly Canada yahoogroup, which among other things posts a monthly Poly FAQ list of active Canadian poly groups: polyamorycanada-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

The site for Tristan Taormino’s new non-monogamy book, Opening Up: http://www.openingup.net/

Up-to-date notices of poly topics in the media: http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/

Institute for 21st Century Relationships: http://www.lovethatworks.org/

General info: http://www.polyamory.org/

Poly book list and other resources: http://www.polychromatic.com/