Today I had a phone conversation with the editor of In Toronto magazine, a gay and lesbian monthly entertainment and lifestyle glossy. He’s asked me to do a trial run as a Q&A-based sex columnist. Fun times! I did listening work on a queer hotline for seven years and have been blogging for five, but I’ve never combined the “listen to people’s problems” thing with the “write about sex” thing in any kind of public way before, so this’ll be intriguing new territory for me. At the same time, friends and readers regularly send me the wildest of questions, which I answer on my own (unpaid) time, so the process is not entirely unfamiliar, either.
Here are a few of my favourites in the past couple of months:
Q: What’s the technical term for when a bunch of guys jizz in a condom, freeze it, and use it to fuck someone?
A: Devil’s Dick. (It took a rather extensive squeezing of my social networks to find this term, and in the end none of my leathermen friends were able to help, even the ones who do porn—the answer came from a dyke!)
Q: Where can I source industrial quantities of lube, and what’s a good venue for me to hold a pervy party where a mixed-gender bunch of us can roll around in it?
A: Ask your local progressive sex shop about bulk purchasing the first item and talk to the edgier public play clubs or gay men’s saunas in your city for the second—if they allow gender-mixed crowds on certain days they’re less likely to freak out about female cooties, and if they have large communal showers, they’re more likely to be equipped to handle big mess. If you have a women and trans bathhouse event in your city, ask the organizers which clubs are most amenable to being approached about things slightly outside their usual mandate. Straight swingers’ clubs are an option but you may have to deal with a lot of cumbersome and expensive membership requirements, and not all swingers clubs are especially perv-friendly, so ask them frank questions before you book.
Q: My girlfriend really wants to vaginally fist me, and I really want to get fisted, but when she gets to the fourth finger and tucks her thumb, I tighten up and I just can’t let her in further. What should I do?
A: That’s often the biggest challenge point of a fisting—the thickest, widest portion of the hand. A lot of people would tell you to just use a ton more lube. While using extra lube may be a good plan for you depending on your hydration levels, the state of your hormones, your age and various other factors, in principle I believe that you’re better off listening to the body and treating it gently than dousing it with slippery stuff until you can force things to happen when the body is sending you the message that it’s not ready yet. For this particular challenge point, a favourite trick of mine is to have the top stop pushing, and simply hold steady. The bottom can then relax because she doesn’t feel like there is any “threat” to her tender inner bits, and she can essentially use her vaginal muscles to gradually, slowly pull the steady hand inside her at whatever pace suits her best. She can stop at any time, ask for adjustments, masturbate if it feels good, and so forth. Make no mistake about it: being the receptive partner can be a very active process!
But also remember that inserting the entire hand shouldn’t be a goal to achieve as much as a really super sexy enjoyable process to get into together. Anytime you impose a sense of deadline, obligation or accomplishment on a sexual act, it’s guaranteed to load it with the kind of stress that sends a lot of us into a state of increased muscular tension, which doesn’t help the whole “relax and have fun” thing to happen. Trust is paramount here, and pressure is often at odds with trust-building. Chill out, have fun, and if you get there, great—but if you don’t, at least you’ve bonded over hot sex rather than over performance anxiety.
Oh, there have been more… many, many more. I have often dearly wished I could share them with the world, because the questions are often so brave and the situations at times so very intriguing. At the same time, I did a reader survey here a couple of years back, and y’all were quite clear about how even if you like sex advice columns, you didn’t want this blog to become a Q&A blog, because you could get that elsewhere.
So this is kinda the best of both worlds, right? No Q&A here, at least not of the classic variety (this post excepted, and only for demonstration purposes). But now you have a place to send ’em if you would like to hear my take on whatever you’re going through in your sex life. And yes, I mean you. This is definitely the part where you come in. I wanna hear your questions, so fire away! I’ve got 500 words (one question and one answer) once a month for the next coupla months at least, as In Toronto and I figure out whether we’re a mutual good fit. Y’know, kinda like having sex a few times before you shack up. That sort of thing.
Let me specify that while the editor is quite enthused that I’m approaching things from a kinky-poly-queer perspective, this isn’t a kinky or poly or general edgy-sex column per se—it’s broad enough to include the whole spectrum, so don’t feel you need to have a totally freaky out-there question in order to ask. Bring on the basics as much as the bizarre! I promise I’ll aim to answer with clarity, pith, politics (always), and a good dollop of geekiness. Just e-mail me at veryqueer3 at yahoo dot ca and specify that your question is for the In Toronto column. Or, if you’re comfortable being more public and less anonymous about it, feel free to post ‘em here. If you want me to use a pseudonym, feel free to make one up, or tell me and I will.
I look forward to hearing from you!