BDSM and Fetish Sexuality: Please, May I Have Some More?
This resource list is deliberately geared towards beginners. In time I may add a section with recommendations for more experienced kinksters.
Books
- Sensuous Magic by Patrick Califia – an excellent introduction to BDSM for beginners by a well-respected queer and trans veteran of the Scene.
- SM 101 by Jay Wiseman – lots of useful technical and safety information.
- Partners In Power by Jack Rinella – a wonderful exploration of the nature of kinky relationships, how to meet people and how to get what you want.
- Different Loving by Dr. Gloria Brame – not a how-to, but rather an extensive and accessible book listing a huge variety of kinks explained and then illustrated with people’s real-life experiences in their own words.
- The Sensuous Art of Japanese Bondage by Midori – wonderful pictures and diagrams.
- Greenery Press publishes dozens of well-written and informative how-to guides about all sorts of play styles and relationship styles.
Websites
Rather than provide a long list of recommended sites, I’d rather mention two that will serve as excellent starting points for anyone who’s getting into BDSM. A Google search for your topic of choice will probably net you many options, but the two below are relevant to just about anyone…
The first site I feel is über-important. The Network / La Red is a Massachusetts-based domestic violence prevention group that has posted a wonderful explanation of the difference between SM and abuse. Read it, think about it, and pass it on.
The second site I recommend is FetLife. It’s a social networking site (similar to Facebook) for kinky people. Read my article about the site if you’re curious to know more. It’s an excellent place to meet quality people, with hundreds of discussion groups available on every imaginable kinky topic, and it doesn’t have a sleazy or overly cruise-y vibe.
Hi.
I’m compiling information on the BDsM industry and am trying to find out how many are listed as within the lifestyle and if there might be a breakdown of sorts and am particularly interested in a count of those collared.
Any references will help.
Thank you.
kathleen
Hi Kathleen,
I’m not sure what you mean by “the BDSM industry.” If you can clarify, I’d be happy to tell you whatever I know!
Andrea
hi
I am trying to make a complete list of kinks. from the normal to the very weird. the normal ones are fairly easy to come across but where can I find the abnomal ones. any help would be appiciated
Hi I’m doing a paper in sociology (sex, gender & nature) that draws upon my experiences in a Master/Slave(dominant/submissive) relationship where I was trained in all ways that would please my master. (very like a victorian womman’s training, they same type of ideology behind the silent woman who serves) but it was a very different relationship supposedly not just this in a sexual domain but a 24/7 living relationship where the hierarchy functioned all the time, as did his right to speak and I could only speak when he chose. How common are these 24/7 Master/Slave relationships? What would be some things to watch out for? The other thing is that he said safe words and communication, which were underlined as necessary in this type of relationship, he said were not needed in a 24/7 relationship. A slave in one of these, he said, could only use the safe word once, when she wanted to end the relationship, otherwise she had to trust her master not to hurt her and be proud of her “stripes” when he punished her. He also stated communication never solved anything, just cause more arguing and the only way to judge a person was by their behaviour. Should these things be a red flag, or should you just trust another? How can you if you can never say no without leaving the relationship? What can you do to negotiate this double standard? Is it abuse? Why wouldn’t he think so? (then again, he thought by consenting to be there, you consented to what he wanted to do, period. that’s odd, right?) But he’s not a bad person however, these overly controlling behaviours worry me. Advice and resources please. (sorrry for going on so)
Hi Melannie. I’m not sure I can provide enough info in a comment bar to give you all the answers you need. I invite you to e-mail me privately at veryqueer3 at yahoo dot ca if you’d like to talk about things a bit more.
I will say that Master/slave relationships do exist and can be healthy, but an enormous amount of trust needs to be built before one enters that sort of dynamic, especially at the intensity you describe. And that trust is built slowly and with a great deal of… you guessed it… communication.
So there are two red flags for me in what you have said.
The first is that anyone who thinks communication is unnecessary is not being very realistic about how trusting, healthy relationships work. I totally understand that a person’s behaviour is much more meaningful than their words when it comes to demonstrating their character, but from there to saying that communication is unnecessary… yikes.
The second is that you’re clearly not sure it’s a healthy situation yourself, or you wouldn’t be asking the question to a stranger on a blog. If you were deliriously happy and trusted your Master beyond a shadow of a doubt, you would not be worrying in this way. So clearly you don’t entirely trust what’s going on, or that it is in your best interests. So: lack of communication, lack of trust – you see the problem.
This doesn’t mean you are necessarily in an abusive relationship – I don’t have enough info to make a judgement on that. It also doesn’t mean your Master is a bad person. But it does mean that clearly the framework you’re working in is not sitting well with you, and you have some doubts that deserve to be taken seriously and addressed.
Again, please drop me a line if you’d like to converse about this more. Perhaps I can direct you to appropriate resources. Among other things you might try joining fetlife.com and posting this question to a submissive or slave group to see what others have to say.
[...] Loving” over a decade ago. At the time, I had not realized that there were books available as resources (as opposed to wank fodder), and stumbling across the book by her and her husband in a well-known [...]